If-Then

A few years ago when we moved to Texas I was looking for something to help me in my consistency with discipline, and something with a more Biblical approach.  I had a few ideas, but hadn't put anything together. 

I had managed to make the last few meetings of the MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) group before they took a break for the summer and one of the Mom's on their "Mom Panel" had suggested a very basic If/Then chart.  If you do "this"...Then "this" will happen.

I originally ordered the If-Then chart from Doorposts; the website where the Mom mentioned above had gotten the idea.  It didn't turn out to be exactly what I wanted, but it still gave me the basis and inspiration for making my own.  They have a lot of other great resources as well!

Why a discipline chart, you ask?  Well, here are just some of my arguments for it...

1.  The chart helps me to stay consistent with what consequence is given for each "offense". 

• They say consistency is key in discipline and I believe it is very true not only with what and when, or how often, but that the consequence remains stable.  If I'm just aggravated and spout off whatever punishment I want, one day it might be time out, one day it might be a chore, one day it might be a spanking...there is an uncertainty left for the child to question what Mom's mood might produce.  I've also noticed in the past that if I'm hopping around on the consequence it seems I find myself saying, "Nothing I seem to do is working!"  Normally, because I don't stick with anything long enough to give it a chance to work.
• In our home, we do spankings.  On occassion, the boys will loose a privledge along with a spanking, but we have found the a spanking (done the correct way) produces the best results.

2.  The chart helps Tim and I to stay consistent with each other.

• When this idea first presented itself, I made sure to run it by Tim first.  In all honesty, I think he thought I was a little crazy.  He didn't think it was really needed and argued that our parents didn't need one.  After hearing some of my thoughts on the subject, he agreed to give it a go.  We sat down and reviewed the categories together and came to agreement on what the consequences should be for each child.  Before we began implementing the chart we reviewed it with the boys so that they were well aware of the expectations and the consequences.  The boys know that whether Mom is around, or Dad, that if they lie, the consequence will be the same.  There is no surprise when the consequence is given.

3.  It helps me to not punish or spank out of anger.

• We keep our chart in the bathroom with a spoon.  I can say that 99% of the time if I spank my child right when the offense occurs it is most likely out of anger and frustration and that is a sin on my part.  And in all honesty, sometimes it happens.  I have to seek forgiveness from God and my child over it.  BUT, if I have to stop what I'm doing and go to the bathroom and follow the chart, then it gives myself time to calm down.  The chart is set up to follow a certain order.  Before the consequence comes God's Word.  I don't know about you, but it's hard to be angry after reading His Word.  Therefore, the discipline then becomes what it's meant to be..discipline, not a whiplash of emotions.

4.  It brings us back to the Gospel.

• In Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp it states "The central focus of parenting is the gospel.  You need to direct not simply the behavior of your children, but the attitudes of their hearts.  You need to show them not just the 'what' of their sin and failure, but the 'why'."  Having a scripture linked with the behavior gives us a very clear picture that Christ expects our hearts to be just as pure as our actions and we are given another opportunity to share with our children the importance of His Word. 

5.  It's goal is restoration/reconciliation.

• Again, the chart is set in order.  Just as we don't begin with the consequence, we don't end with it either.  We end with the attitude/behavior that God would like for them to choose the next time the situation might present itself.  We end with an "I love you" and with hugs, and I would like to start ending in prayer as well.  Then if needed, they are to go reconcile themselves with the one that was offended.  Just as God's purpose in disciplining us is to restore ourselves to Himself, our goal in disciplining our children is to bring them back into a right relationship with us and their Creator.  We also hope that in teaching them this idea of reconciliation it will create a habit that will hopefully be instilled in them in childhood that will translate into their relationships as adults. 

• Is this chart "fail-proof"?  No.
• Do we have perfect children?  Of course not!
• As parents, are we well seasoned and have it all figured out? Again, OF COURSE NOT!!
• Do we always follow the chart to a "t"?  No.  We easily get off course.  Many times we have to stop and start over fresh.
• Does this chart cover all discipline issues?   It's not specific, but focuses on the main heart attitudes that we find in our children.  While every situation is different, we believe that most can be "traced-back" to one of these heart issues.  We ask the Lord for discernment and clarity in deciding what the "heart" of the issue is and discipline that.  Again, we aim not to discipline the action, but the attitude!
• Since using this chart have our children stopped having problems with these behaviors/heart issues?  An overwhelming...Of course not!  By disciplining consistently, I do believe that I can see a visible change, but it does not mean that we never have those problems again.  The chart is meant to be used for years and to help with our consistency in parenting.
• Am I claiming this is the best/only way to discipline your child?  No.  I believe that every child is different and that the Lord will grant wisdom in the area of raising them if we ask.  There are TONS of charts and ideas on how to discipline your child.  I just wanted to share something that has helped us.  Keep in mind the chart was orignially created to help ME in staying consitent in my discipline.  It's a tool that I felt I needed. 

So now I've talked all about it you can go here to print the chart that I created to use for our family.  I left a space at the top empty for you to add your child's name, and I left the consequences column empty.  You can print this chart and fill it out by hand and then laminate it to make it a little more durable.  We have a full size 8.5 x 11 page printed that we keep in our bathroom, and I have a small 4x6 that I normally keep in the car or my purse for when we are out and about.  If you would like to be able to edit it yourself, I would be more than happy to email it to you.  Just leave me a comment with your email address!